（ for a moment she sounds so much like rukia it's dizzying. she'd say just the same, wouldn't she? and he'd hate it just as much if it came from her, because he's — he's not good at it. relying on others, accepting help. acknowledging his own weakness. all of those things are a work in progress for him.
but if he closes his eyes, he can remember how he felt, when rukia told him off after he'd dismissed chad's feelings so easily, how he'd cared more in the moment about keeping his friend out of danger than protecting his heart and his pride, and how fucking wretched he'd been afterwards.
he closes his eyes for a long moment.
if their situations were reversed. if nami had come to him like this...
he would've said yes in a heartbeat, he knows. he would've set his own reservations and uncertainty and fears aside and said yes, and meant it. and it — matters, that she's doing that for him.
it matters. but there is still a tight clench in his chest and a hot feeling at the back of his throat, a weight behind his sinuses that feels like he's holding back tears. he's hot all over, even the pressure of clothing against his skin hurts — but pain is just something to stand, and he's no stranger to that.
it's a long time before he replies again: ）
okay.
but can you come here? and i don't have any condoms or anything （ as much as he's an easily scandalized youth, when it comes right down to the wire he's deeply, ruthlessly utilitarian. his father is a doctor. he grew up around a clinic. he's no stranger to safe sex practices, even if he regretted every minute he ever spent in isshin's presence discussing it. ）
not that we have to do that
just
in case.
i'm sorry. you're my friend too. it's hard for me to accept help.
no subject
but if he closes his eyes, he can remember how he felt, when rukia told him off after he'd dismissed chad's feelings so easily, how he'd cared more in the moment about keeping his friend out of danger than protecting his heart and his pride, and how fucking wretched he'd been afterwards.
he closes his eyes for a long moment.
if their situations were reversed. if nami had come to him like this...
he would've said yes in a heartbeat, he knows. he would've set his own reservations and uncertainty and fears aside and said yes, and meant it. and it — matters, that she's doing that for him.
it matters. but there is still a tight clench in his chest and a hot feeling at the back of his throat, a weight behind his sinuses that feels like he's holding back tears. he's hot all over, even the pressure of clothing against his skin hurts — but pain is just something to stand, and he's no stranger to that.
it's a long time before he replies again: ）
okay.
but can you come here? and i don't have any condoms or anything （ as much as he's an easily scandalized youth, when it comes right down to the wire he's deeply, ruthlessly utilitarian. his father is a doctor. he grew up around a clinic. he's no stranger to safe sex practices, even if he regretted every minute he ever spent in isshin's presence discussing it. ）
not that we have to do that
just
in case.
i'm sorry. you're my friend too. it's hard for me to accept help.